What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
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Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick