What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
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Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?