“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
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My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING