@suntzufuntzu: "What if Waldo finds me first?" I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. "Don't let that happen," she warns.
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@WeissBrandon: Cop: do you know why I was following you? Me: WAS following? Wait you unfollowed me? Cop:haha Me:haha Cop... Me... Is it cause of the drugs?
@brynnester: Me: I have an irrational fear of things Dr: Such as? Me: Driving, Swimming and Underground Passages Dr: You have Car Pool Tunnel Syndrome
@sunexplode: Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
@roxiqt: If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.