“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
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[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?