What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
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When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
When he asks for feet pics
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Coffee is ready.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people