“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
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Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
i’m still crying at this
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time