You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
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*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Hey I worked for it too!
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas