Well, that didn’t work.
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Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴