Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
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doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.