what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
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my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You鈥檙e definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 馃く
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don鈥檛 panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!