What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
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ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.