What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
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There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
No chill.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Thursday Thought.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
🍛
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight