“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
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terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
#titanic
181.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks