@nice_mustard: what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
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@BradBroaddus: DOCTOR: "I'm calling to notify you of your outstanding balance." ME: "Thanks! I do yoga." DOCTOR:........
@hazelmotes1: Aliens are in space right now watching all these movies where Tom Cruise defeats them, and they are laughing so hard one just peed a little.
@bingowings14: Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
@TheGladStork: When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I'm on an intense business call.