what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
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How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
When can I start eating bats again.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”