@nice_mustard: what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
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@DirtMcTurd: My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
@mjkspeaks: [shopping] May I help you find something? “Where are the giants?“ What? “Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
@pizza_dragon: "I'm so pissed I could punch a ba-" "A what?" Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand. "A bagel. I HATE carbs."
@ianduhig: "I am the ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Subjunctive: I will show you what would have happened were you not to have changed your ways!"