@MichaelGoffLA: What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
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@KalvinMacleod: [parole hearing] OFFICER: are u reformed? ME: I— O: go on M: I th— O: tell us M: I'm— O: yes M: can I finish my sentence O: ok parole denied
@UnFitz: Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
@KalvinMacleod: [date] HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations ME: ok WAITER: today's special is baby octopus ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks HER: I’m done ME: ruh roh