“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
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me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.