What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
You Might Also Like
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Many hands make light work
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer