Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
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Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
😆this is so true
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”