You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
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Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Dolls on drugs
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE