What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
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Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Saw your ex at the shops
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
If you need a laugh.. 😅
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
adam and eve had first world problems
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.