[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
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Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
I beg your pardon?
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076