Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
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Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Sending in my taxes
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.