I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
You Might Also Like
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.