“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
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Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
The devil.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.