What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
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I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
never ask a starfish for directions
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.