What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
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2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Yes
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!