What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
You Might Also Like
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday