What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
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*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler