What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
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‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.