What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
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I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.