I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
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“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
I don’t think my car can fly
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Succinctly put.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care