My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
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Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas