What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
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Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.