@hbreaker9999: What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
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@Phook75: I just folded a fitted sheet so beautifully an owl just delivered a Hogwarts acceptance letter to my house
@AndyAsAdjective: FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight? ME: uhh…yeah…of course [later] ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
@SuperApple80: If I had a dragon, I’d be the coolest chick on my street for at least 45 seconds before everyone saw me fall off my dragon.
@HonestToddler: Parents: It's unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you're not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.