What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
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Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.