What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
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Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
i love modern commerce
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.