What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
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“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.