What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
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*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Owl Sanctuary
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
his wife is probably gonna see that
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
This is a whole mood;
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes