her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
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[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
sistine chapel