Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
You Might Also Like
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.