“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
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*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.