“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
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Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses