What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
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[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
m’lady
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’