@all_about_today: What I've learned from twitter is that if I tell a joke to 1,300 people, at least 2 will laugh.
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@FrakkingAwesome: The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend "you get this one, I'll get the next 1" and then never see them again and make new friends.
@HughGoesThere: Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure. Me: No. This is my family now. ZK: They don't actually eat marbles. Me: I'm coming out.
@DearAnyone: A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.