This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
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I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.