@all_about_today: What I've learned from twitter is that if I tell a joke to 1,300 people, at least 2 will laugh.
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@AnOrangeSNES: The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
@XLToast: Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough. Model: Are you a starving artist? Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
@1followernodad: Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.