@all_about_today: What I've learned from twitter is that if I tell a joke to 1,300 people, at least 2 will laugh.
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@ValeeGrrl: 7yo: [points to baptism outfit hanging in closet] IS THAT TINY WHITE OUTFIT FROM WHEN I DID BABY KARATE Me: 7yo: Me: yup 7yo: AWESOME
@graceful_asfuck: Her: you take nice selfies Me: so I'm vain Her: no you're photogenic Me: oh so I'm ugly in real life Her: just say thanks Me: oh so I'm rude
@juliacomedy: remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life