parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
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I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.