me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
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My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.