[adds another nod to the conversation]
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It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.