what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
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Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Something Saturday.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
and now we wait
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…