@chadchaines: what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought "you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce."
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@WarrenHolstein: Don't cut yourselves 'cause Justin smokes pot, Beliebers. Cut yourselves 'cause you listen to Justin Bieber. (And aim for a major artery.)
@SarcasticAlly12: When friends or family ask me if I'm going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?"