‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
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“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
The best shot in the history of golf
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist