‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
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Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Yeah. This was me today.
I’m giving up for Lent.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave