What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 馃槈
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The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
i wonder if it鈥檚 possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.